Santa is wonderful. I wish I still believed.
I have not written in a while. I feel bad about that. I was just worn out by all the emotions of Christmas. You better bet your bottom dollar I had a magical Christmas!!! But, it was also surrounded by this under lying sadness that did not allow me to live in the moment. I was floating through Christmas. My mind was SCREAMING at me, "ENJOY EVERY MOMENT!!!! THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY YOUR DAD'S LAST CHRISTMAS!!!!! ENJOY YOURSELF DAMN IT!!!!!" I just wanted to tell myself to SHUT the F UP! This caused me to hit a downward spiral of tears. I was not sad, and Christmas was so magical, I was terrified, beyond terrified. I have never felt like that in my life. I had 3 beers on Christmas day and I did not feel a thing. I think the terror sucked up the alcohol.
I really did cry for at least a day straight. I began to not really care about it. I went to Barnes and Noble and just walked in crying. I felt like I was going crazy. I picked out a new planner, kept crying, tried to find a book I was looking for, continued to cry, and went to the check out.....crying. The women did not say anything. She just rung me up and sent me crying on my way.
It wasn't like there was a lot of emotion....I was not wailing. I just had constant tears streaming down my face. I wasn't grimacing, my face was calm. It was really weird and I scare myself thinking I went out in public like that. But I needed a planner. I needed to get out for a bit.
I'm doing my best.
My Dad loves his bowling shoes. (One of his many Christmas gifts from me.) He said he is excited for next year at Thanksgiving when he gets to try them out. :)
F you cancer and your evil ways.
I love you so much Dad. So so much.
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