I have come to the stage in Sara grief where I want to fall over, cry and roll around in my tears. I like change in most situations, I really do, but not when it comes to my parents and negative change.
My Dad sold his Explorer yesterday with not a word to anyone. Granted it had 300,000 miles on it, but I don't want him to sell it for the wrong reasons. My parents have my moms car that they will now share. But, my dad kept the explorer to work on it and do manly car stuff to. I'm sad he doesn't have that anymore.At first I thought he was giving up. But he said, "Scooter when all this cancer is gone, I'll just get another car to work on".
That I guess is ok. I need to let him make decisions. I need to let him feel like he is allowed to make decisions. We are always asking him if he is okay, and if he needs anything. I think we may forget to let him live. Damn it I am scared.
This is weird....On Thanksgiving, I was sitting in the Explorer before bowling waiting for my parents and I took 2 pictures of the interior for no real reason. I just liked the way my Dad's car smelled and felt. It was my Dad.
This car picked me up in the snow so many times. It smelled of my dad's after shave and wrigley's doublemint gum. I loved that car. It scares me that it is gone. I don't want it to go away.
I am so mad at cancer right now. SO F-ING MAD. I am also pushing that anger on things I shouldn't. I love my Dad so much. I apologize for being so scattered.
F YOU CANCER!!!!
I love you Daddio. So so so so so much.
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