Donut, donut, donut, donuts on a rope.

This is my Poppa during chemo. We thought we saw an alien. He was looking out the window to see if it really was an alien. In the middle of the day :)

They had given him steroids this day and he was SO hyper. It was the best.

He was also teaching me about planes.

He has this need to teach me something every time we see each other.I love it. It's new to our relationship and I accept it with open arms.

This day he taught me about "donuts on a rope". SUPER FAST PLANES

Love you Papa!!! With all of my heart.

F-you cancer. You are lame.

Pictures I like that have nothing to do with stupid cancer.

The fact that Teddy Roosevelt and Ron Swanson are identical. I believe that they may be the same person.

 This dog. I don't need to explain it. This dog is amazing.

I love them both. They make me laugh and giggle with happiness. I feel like this symbolizes many relationships in my life.

This baby is the sweetest baby. I don't know this baby....but I want to chase him and pick him up.



Love you Daddio.

Hey Wilson.

Hey Wilson...do you have a minute?
So...nothing at the moment is how I would like it to be. I have spent so much of my life being able to mold situations into something I can at least handle. Right now, I feel helpless and unequipped for what is about to happen in my life. The death of my father, my dad, my daddio, my poppa.

This inevitable looming horror has effected everything in my life.  My relationships, work, and feeling alive. I fear resenting those I love. Not making the right decisions. Not giving enough, not focusing enough.

Basically Wilson, I am full of worry, let me rephrase that....I am overflowing with fear.

This is not fun.

Good talk Wilson, Good talk.

Love you so much DAD.

Fuck you cancer.....I will punch you.

So....Cancer sucks.

It's been so long since I have updated. I can only blame the stupidness of cancer. 

We just got my Dad's bone scans and CT scans back. No good news. I actually can't physically read them. My brain makes everything blurry. This has been happening to me a lot lately. My Mom, or a DR will talk to me and I then float out of my body and can't hear them. It's like the adults in the Peanuts cartoon. It's also one of the only times in my life I have really recognized my inner dialogue. Talking to myself whilst something else is going on. Very Weird.

 Sentences I have read lately and hate.....

"Findings:
Interval progression of metastatic disease now involving skull with multiple new foci of uptake in skull, sternum, bilateral scapulae and clavicles (new foci of uptake in left scapula), spine, sacrum, bilateral ribs (new focus of uptake noted in right posterior 11th rib), pelvis, bilateral femurs and humeri."

"Impression:
"Interval progression of multifunctional bony  metastatic disease involving axial and appendicular skeleton. Lesions in long bones (femurs and humeri) ma predispose patient to potential pathologic fratures."


F YOU CANCER. You are the worst ever.

Love you so much Dad.

Rough

Things have not been great. I love my Daddio so so much. He almost passed out when we hugged yesterday. He hugged me, and I was talking and then he got really limp and heavy and said he felt very dizzy. I had to hold him up until he was strong enough to walk over to the couch. It was one of the most horrific moments of my life. Nothing funny about that.

One day at a time Scoates. One day at a time.

Fuck you cancer.

End of life care.

End of life care.

I can't stop listening to Hall and Oates.

So I am going though some weird things right now. I laugh at inappropriate things, I cry at weird times and I can't stop listening to Hall and Oates. It's almost unhealthy. I turn on a Hall and Oates song and it's like a took a hit of some drug. It calms my nerves and makes me giggle to myself. I have officially gone crazy from lack of sleep and constant worry.

It could be worse...it really could. I could be doing drugs. But, I have decided to binge on Hall and Oates. Look at these men. Damn it they make me happy. They are strong, sensitive, and passionate.I have a feeling they hate cancer as much as I do.

Pops update---

He has been in the hospital for a week. He has blood clots in his legs, heart and lungs. I have been there every night after tech rehearsal and shows. I just don't want him  to be alone. He is also freakishly bored and that is not okay. One thing that baffles me is that he does not want to meet my 2nd boyfriend.....NETFLICKS. I told my dad that it would change his life and if he really wanted to... we could share him. But, my dad has no interest.

 

Love you Daddio!!!!

F you cancer.......f you so much!!!!

Cancer and medical insurance can be baloney crap. You heard me....baloney crap.

One of the many horrible things that cancer does is spend all of your money. I don't want to get into my parents medical insurance history or financial situation, but it's so frustrating to think how much this is costing and how much the insurance is NOT covering. Quick example. Every chemo is around 9,000. His last surgery was 22,000. Every white blood cell booster shot is 5,000.

My Dad has worked his whole life....and he has worked hard. Now....all of the money that they saved is going to the attempt to save his life. Well, how in the world is he supposed to live afterward? GRRRRRRRRRR.

F you cancer you greedy a hole.

Thank you letting me vent.

Let's change the mood......Let's look at puppies.

Love you Dad, with all of my heart. Love love love.

LAST CHEMO!!! and a cinnamon candy.

YOU HEARD ME!!!!! LAST CHEMO!!! AND A CINNAMON CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!

My Dad had his last chemo yesterday. It may not be the last chemo ever....but we are now on to the next step. Bladder removal.

We are going into the hospital next Tuesday for all day scans and tests. Then a DR. meeting to discuss options. GUUUUUUHHHHH. It f-ing scares me so much!!!!! They really can't say anything bad. I wont accept it and I can't take it.

I have tried to give my Dad and Mom a gift at every chemo. They need to know that they are strong and supported. For his last chemo I have him the hug blanket. He wore it home like a scarf, he looked adorable.

We were sitting outside one of the Dr's offices waiting for the potassium results after chemo, when my Dad had his arm around my shoulder. He reached into his pocket and handed me a cinnamon candy. I thought he wanted me to open it for him. But he said, "No Scooter, have it, I love you." Needless to say that cinnamon candy means the world to me. I have it in my wallet. I had to tape up the package. That candy smells like my Dad. That cinnamon candy is magic to me. 

Cinnamon candy hates cancer and so do I. F you cancer.

Love you papa. I love you with all of my heart!

Hug blanket

This is the beautiful "Hug" blanket I received from an AMAZING and TALENTED friend. Her grandmother knitted it in a knitting group. It's a form of a prayer shawl, meant to go around your shoulders when you need warmth or reassurance. Each knot tied at the end is a prayer, or a wish, or a symbol of hope. It works for whatever you believe in.It enhances the power of positive thought....and that can go along way. I was blown away by this. The thought and care and generosity of this wonderful person. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this. That I am the only one living this sadness and I have to fake happiness around those I love. This was just another sign that I know the most amazing people in the world. That I am lucky. Thank you Alissa. Thank you so much.





F YOU CANCER!!! YOU ARE MEAN AND NASTY AND I HATE YOU!!!!


I love you Dad so so much. I send you positive energy and peace. Love you.