The Blue Chair

I sat in my fathers blue chair yesterday. It smells like him. I curled up in it and hugged it with my eyes shut. It's not easy hugging a Lay-Z Boy recliner. When I opened my eyes, I saw one small white hair. I just stared at the hair, not breathing, not moving, so not to make it fly away carelessly with my breath. It's all that's left. That little hair. All the fighting, all the agony in this blue chair. This white little hair is all that's left.

He is gone.

Fuck you cancer.

Donut, donut, donut, donuts on a rope.

This is my Poppa during chemo. We thought we saw an alien. He was looking out the window to see if it really was an alien. In the middle of the day :)

They had given him steroids this day and he was SO hyper. It was the best.

He was also teaching me about planes.

He has this need to teach me something every time we see each other.I love it. It's new to our relationship and I accept it with open arms.

This day he taught me about "donuts on a rope". SUPER FAST PLANES

Love you Papa!!! With all of my heart.

F-you cancer. You are lame.

Pictures I like that have nothing to do with stupid cancer.

The fact that Teddy Roosevelt and Ron Swanson are identical. I believe that they may be the same person.

 This dog. I don't need to explain it. This dog is amazing.

I love them both. They make me laugh and giggle with happiness. I feel like this symbolizes many relationships in my life.

This baby is the sweetest baby. I don't know this baby....but I want to chase him and pick him up.



Love you Daddio.

Hey Wilson.

Hey Wilson...do you have a minute?
So...nothing at the moment is how I would like it to be. I have spent so much of my life being able to mold situations into something I can at least handle. Right now, I feel helpless and unequipped for what is about to happen in my life. The death of my father, my dad, my daddio, my poppa.

This inevitable looming horror has effected everything in my life.  My relationships, work, and feeling alive. I fear resenting those I love. Not making the right decisions. Not giving enough, not focusing enough.

Basically Wilson, I am full of worry, let me rephrase that....I am overflowing with fear.

This is not fun.

Good talk Wilson, Good talk.

Love you so much DAD.

Fuck you cancer.....I will punch you.