F YES SANTA!!!! F YOU CANCER!!!! and that one time at Barnes and Noble.

I believed in Santa for far too long. I also to this day, (mind you...I am 27) have not told my mom I don't believe.

Santa is wonderful. I wish I still believed.

I have not written in a while. I feel bad about that. I was just worn out by all the emotions of Christmas. You better bet your bottom dollar I had a magical Christmas!!! But, it was also surrounded by this under lying sadness that did not allow me to live in the moment. I was floating through Christmas. My mind was SCREAMING at me, "ENJOY EVERY MOMENT!!!! THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY YOUR DAD'S LAST CHRISTMAS!!!!! ENJOY YOURSELF DAMN IT!!!!!" I just wanted to tell myself to SHUT the F UP! This caused me to hit a downward spiral of tears. I was not sad, and Christmas was so magical, I was terrified, beyond terrified. I have never felt like that in my life. I had 3 beers on Christmas day and I did not feel a thing. I think the terror sucked up the alcohol.

I really did cry for at least a day straight. I began to not really care about it. I went to Barnes and Noble and just walked in crying. I felt like I was going crazy. I picked out a new planner, kept crying, tried to find a book I was looking for, continued to cry, and went to the check out.....crying. The women did not say anything. She just rung me up and sent me crying on my way.

 It wasn't like there was a lot of emotion....I was not wailing. I just had constant tears streaming down my face. I wasn't grimacing, my face was calm. It was really weird and I scare myself thinking I went out in public like that. But I needed a planner. I needed to get out for a bit. 

 I'm doing my best.

My Dad loves his bowling shoes. (One of his many Christmas gifts from me.) He said he is excited for next year at Thanksgiving when he gets to try them out. :)

F you cancer and your evil ways.

I love you so much Dad. So so much.

Muppet Comedy Zone.

I've been trying to think of ways to keep my mind out of the cancer danger zone. I am scared all the time. I worry constantly. So, I have been doing madlibs, playing Phase 10, watching Red Pandas play and now.......


MAKING MUPPETS!!!!!!!!!!! A MUPPET COMEDY ZONE!!! No more cancer danger zone.

I saw a comedian do a bit about puppets and muppets once. He said something extremely true, that muppets can make anything funny. Even the most horrific situations. Muppets in a plane crash, arms up and wobbly with their mouths open shaking, muppets with guns, etc. All silly when you put a muppet in the scene. I think that's why these picture make me so happy.....they are so ridiculous. This situation with my Dad is RIDICULOUS. It should not be this way. But, sometimes you need to laugh. 

Here are some examples of the gems. My co worker Francis and I make them on our breaks.

Oh my goodness I love this so much!

NOW FOR THE GRAND FINALLY!!!!! MY DADDIO!!!!!!

F you cancer! GET OUT OF MY FACE!!!

Love you daddio so so much. I can't wait to see you this weekend!

Red Pandas and Uncle Carl from Family Matters.

Red pandas are quite possibly the cutest animal of all time. They have all the best attributes from pandas and raccoons. I would like to thank the red panda for cheering me up the last few days.

http://firefoxlive.mozilla.org/ ---My roommate and author of http://funemployed-life.blogspot.com/ showed me the firefox link and I am now forever in her debt.

http://firefoxlive.mozilla.org/-------could be the greatest marketing idea ever. A Red Panda cam. Every time you download firefox, the cute red pandas are that much closer to getting a TREAT!

I wish I could do that for my Dad, put a red panda in my parents house with the "snuggle cam" (that is what the camera at this exhibit is called) then people could donate to his medical bills (aka his TREAT)


Last night, I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst pain shooting up my neck and in my shoulders. My first thought was of Uncle Carl from Family Matters. The episode where he hurts his back and cannot move . I felt like this. I talked to a DR. and extreme stress can cause these spasms. F YOU CANCER....THANK YOU FOR NOTHING. 

 

I love you so much Dad. With all of my heart!

Cry hard...With a Vengeance.

I find the car, the most dramatic and ridiculous place to cry. But, I seem to always weep while driving. In the past few weeks I have been crying more recently, for good reason. Granted I do cry a lot. My mom always said I have really big heart. Happy, sad, dramatic, epic and magical things make water rush out of my face.

The setting in my truck is perfect, a dark enclosed space, small so you feel alone, mirrors to watch yourself weep and a cab is filled loud dramatic music.  This is not good for multiple reasons.

*Pathetic

*Dangerous. For me and those driving around me.
*Horribly embarrassing. Scoates...there are windows in a truck, you always for get that.




But...after all is said and done and "Hallelujah" sung by K.D. Lang has finished. I feel, well, still sad. But less ruled by the sad emotion.

I have been mad lately. Mad that I can't control this, mad that this happened to MY family. The anger has been coming out in strange ways, at the wrong people. It's hard to control. I am just very mad. 

I went to my Dad's chemo yesterday. I don't ever want to leave his side.I hate to see him like that. Sitting in the infusion wing is a challenge. You see so many BEAUTIFUL people....who are dying. They are trying to save there own lives. Some look like they are in so much pain. I feel for all of them. My Dad is such a wonderful man.  I don't want him to die.

Hold............crying a bit.........................................................


I just don't want him to die. It makes me so mad that I even have to worry about it. God damn it.

F you cancer. Don't you dare take my dad.

I love you so much Dad. I wish I was holding your hand right now.

His Voice.

I listened to my Dad speak today while I sat with him during his chemotherapy treatment. He has this 1940's cadence. It is reminiscent of Gene Kelly. I don't think he knows how beautiful his voice is. It's soothing and precise, deep and soulful.

My Mom could not be with him today, so I made sure he was not alone. This is something you should never do along. He said he would be fine....but that is NOT fine with me. He is the kind of man who cuts his finger, is in need of stitches and just wraps it up in a handkerchief.

I love my Dad with all of my heart.

F YOU CANCER.

Oh Daddio. I love you.

DAMN YOU CHANGE!!!!!

Guhhhhhhhhh. Eheeeeeeeeeeeee. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh.

I have come to the stage in Sara grief where I want to fall over, cry and roll around in my tears. I like change in most situations, I really do, but not when it comes to my parents and negative change.

My Dad sold his Explorer yesterday with not a word to anyone. Granted it had 300,000 miles on it, but I don't want him to sell it for the wrong reasons. My parents have my moms car that they will now share. But, my dad kept the explorer to work on it and do manly car stuff to. I'm sad he doesn't have that anymore.At first I thought he was giving up. But he said, "Scooter when all this cancer is gone, I'll just get another car to work on".

That I guess is ok. I need to let him make decisions. I need to let him feel like he is allowed to make decisions. We are always asking him if he is okay, and if he needs anything. I think we may forget to let him live. Damn it I am scared.

This is weird....On Thanksgiving, I was sitting in the Explorer before bowling waiting for my parents and I took 2 pictures of the interior for no real reason. I just liked the way my Dad's car smelled and felt. It was my Dad.

This car picked me up in the snow so many times. It smelled of my dad's after shave and wrigley's doublemint gum. I loved that car. It scares me that it is gone. I don't want it to go away.


I am so mad at cancer right now. SO F-ING MAD. I am also pushing that anger on things I shouldn't. I love my Dad so much. I apologize for being so scattered.

F YOU CANCER!!!!

I love you Daddio. So so so so so much.

Mad Libs Save Lives.

So, I haven't REALLY laughed in awhile. Like, a real deep laugh that makes you cry and feel joyous pain. Laughing feels forced. I know things are funny, I know I would normally laugh, but it has become extremely difficult. I am filled with fear and an unreal sadness for my Dad.

Work has also become difficult, it makes me hate that one needs money to survive. I WANT to spend every second with my Dad. I feel like I am wasting precious moments......HOLD ON A SEC...do people still collect these??? Weird.

As I was saying...I feel like I am wasting precious moments I could be spending with my Dad. It goes back to all of this guilt storming through my body.


My work savior, (we shall call her Francis) and I don't really take breaks. But, we will email, talk about our day and write jokes. We are comedians. One day she said, "We are doing a Mad Lib off my Cheez It box.". Of course I accepted this challenge.


I didn't realize it would turn into an addiction. It was also the first thing that REALLY made me laugh in the longest time. I laughed HARD....cry and get all snotty hard, couldn't breath hard. When I look back at the Mad Libs now, I have one thing to say. I am 12 years old and I love it. Allow me to share the youthful excitement of these dirty and hilarious Mad Libs with you. 

Enjoy.

Personal Ad---

I enjoy long, smelly walks on the beach, getting smelled in the rain and serendipitous encounters with smells . I really like piña coladas mixed with wine, and romantic, candle-lit smells . I am well-read from Dr. Seuss to Smelly Smellerson . I travel frequently, especially to winery , when I am not busy with work. (I am a Wino .) I am looking for wine and beauty in the form of a Wino goddess. She should have the physique of Smella Smellason and the smelly wine of Winey McWinerson . I would prefer if she knew how to cook, clean, and wash my wines . I know I’m not very attractive in my picture, but it was taken sixty-wine days ago, and I have since become more fermente.

HERE IS ANOTHER GEM------

BEING FAMOUS

Today I went out of my fried rice to go SHITTING and was mobbed by a huge crowd of Cats wearing sweaters. I pooped to get out of there as fast as I could. I met up with Tyra Banks; host of America's Next Top Model and we went to eat at Taco Time. We left there and went to the DC ( as in Diet Coke) and saw something amazing. It was a large fruity Cheesy Gold Fish Cracker and we were in awe. Next, my 5 beers came up to me and asked for my autograph and I gladly did so. Tyra Banks; host of America's Next Top Model and I went to my CAMANO ISLAND!!! and had a sleepover. We ate Rolos and Rolos. We watched Junk Bucket and played FUCK'N PHASE 10. Photographers tried to take pictures of us, but my butt kept them away. We had lots of fun and we SHIT YOUR PIE HOLE all night long.


F your face cancer. I hate you so much.

I love you Dad....with all of my heart.

Here are some random pictures I love.....

Baby Scoates

 

Karate Scoates and Bro....karate kick'n cancer in the asshole!

I plan on doing Mad Libs with my Dad ASAP. It's too much fun. :)

Bowling Shoes

I didn't win $1000 on the radio for my pops. WA WA WA WA.(Think the Price is Right sound effect when you lose)

I knew it was nearly IMPOSSIBLE, but I would have loved to give my Dad that couch. I want to surprise him with something amazing. I have to believe that magical things will happen for my family.

I do know for Christmas I am going to get my daddio a pair of bowling shoes. He loved Jon's on Thanksgiving  and wanted to have a pair just like that for next year :) It makes my heart so happy that he is thinking of next year. You have to maintain that attitude, it is so important. He should start loosing his hair soon. He is actually not too worried about that part. It makes me very sad, it makes it real. I don't have much more to say today. I am too sad about all of this. Please enjoy this picture of a cat I edited on PAINT. Animals are hilarious. They always cheer me up. 

Bladder cancer, shmadder pancer.

Bladder cancer is stupid and mean just like every other evil horrible cancer. But, one needs to know their enemy.


Let's talk about bladder cancer :

Bladder cancer is a disease in which abnormal cells multiply without control in the bladder. The bladder is a hollow, muscular organ that stores urine; it is located in the pelvis. Ok…yes, I know you knew all of that, but it’s nice to have an anatomy refresher. Focus... The most common type of bladder cancer begins in cells lining the inside of the bladder and is called transitional cell carcinoma. (AHHH BIG WORDS! Transitional cell carcinoma is the name of the type of cancer that occurs in the urinary system) They like to shorten it to TCC in many medical articles I have read. TCC is not to be confused with TSS (toxic shock syndrome—read the back of a tampon box) That is what I thought it stood for at first.

My Dad sadly falls under most of the categories for people who are more susceptible to have bladder cancer. Older white male, smoker, history of bladder cancer in the family, and he has worked with machines and toxic chemicals. DAMN IT!

Interesting fact ---In a study, men who drank at least 1.5L of water daily were less likely to have bladder cancer then those who drank around 240ML…that’s about 1 cup. My Dad spent YEARS drinking only whole milk. Like I said before, he is a man of the Midwest. Hard meats and hard cheeses.


The gold standard for diagnosing bladder cancer is biopsy obtained during “cystocopy” . I’m pretty sure “cystocopy” is when the doctor takes a camera and looks inside your hoo haa. When my Dad had his done, everyone thought he had kidney stones again. He had them one year earlier. The doctor came out to talk to my mom after the "kidney stone" surgery and began to cry. He was shocked to find such a large tumor.

Estimated new cases and deaths from bladder cancer in the United States in 2010:

New cases: 70,530
Deaths: 14,680

Pills, Pills, Pills.

 

These are my Dad's pills. He takes almost all of them daily. It's crazy because there are so many instructions and each instruction is crucial to follow. It's life or death. One pill helps with infection but causes extreme nausea, the next pill helps with nausea but causes constipation. The cycle goes on and on. Guhhhh I HATE CANCER SO MUCH. I just want to punch it. Well, I am off to visit my Dad in the hospital. Scoates out.

My Dad is having Chemo right now. All right..... Everyone please collectively send positive love vibes to Patrick Coates at the UW Med Center. AAAAAAAnnnnd.....go.....................

 

KEEP IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thank you...it really does mean a lot. I totally believe in the power of positive energy. My dad needs it. 

F you cancer. F you so hard. You are horrible and I hate you.

I love you Daddio...with all of my heart.

My dad was an adorable kiddo.

Phase 10

This game could quite possibly be the greatest game that has ever been played in all of human history. I will give you a brief bullet point history of how this magical game came into my life.

*The Great Movie Ride
*Eileen Brower!(my right arm and BFF)
*When I worked at Disney World the Bandits at GMR (Great Movie Ride) would play Phase 10 all day during their shift at work.
*This intrigued me and eventually set up a life long goal of mine. Finding a job in which I am payed well and can play a wonderful game like Phase 10 all day.
*Eileen played it with me, she showed me the Phase 10 ropes.
*We then played it all over Epcot everyday for months. (aka-the greatest time of my life)
*I have now shared it with many that I love, including my Dad.

Hey Wikipedia!!! What can you tell us about Phase 10!!!

Phase 10 is a card game created in 1982 by Kenneth Johnson and currently produced by Fundex Games. Phase 10 is based on a variant of rummy known as Liverpool Rummy. It requires a special deck or two regular decks of cards; it can be played by two to six people. The game is named after the ten phases (or melds) that a player must advance through in order to win. Phase 10 is Fundex's best selling product, selling 32,658,846 units to date, making it the 2nd best-selling commercial card game behind Mattel's Uno.

Whatever UNO...you have nothing on Phase 10!!!

I Google imaged "Kenneth Johnson, creator of Phase 10". I HOPE this is him!!! Oh I hope.I shall pretend it is.

Sara's tips for epic Phase 10 game play.

*DON'T PLAY WITH OVER 4 PEOPLE! This is when people think they don't like the game. (Because innately everyone likes Phase 10.) Remember a first impression is important.The smaller the group the more fun it is.

*Play with the dealing rule my parents and I made up! Say you are playing with a total of 3 people. Take turns dealing, each person attempts to grab exactly 30 cards from the deck and deal. If they succeed they get 50 points subtracted from there score. It makes the game more interesting and can change the game in an instant!

*Make up your own phases. Or just do odds, then evens. GET CRAZY!!!

*Have a beer while you are playing.....and snacks.

*ENJOY EVERY MINUTE.

Those are my mom's beautiful hands. That night, we all played in bath robes. :)

My Dad contemplating his next Phase. What a handsome man.


My Mom, Dad and I play A LOT! I'm talking an average of 2 games every time I am home. My dad is not the kind of guy who watches a TV series. He will catch random episodes of things and he loves the History Channel. He has no interest in Netflicks (pause for gasp). He is a man of simple means, he loves to play cards and tell stories. He is a man of the mid west. He likes to read my texts, but he always responds to them the next time I see him in person. Every time I drive up in my trunk he checks the water and oil. I envy that sometimes. Not needing the technology. My parents still sit and have coffee together every morning. It's peaceful and it took me a long time to actually see it.

I am scared every time we play Phase 10.. I am actually scared all of the time. I still love every moment, but I am constantly scared.

My Dad and I hold hands a lot now. Mainly when we play Phase 10. We didn't really hold hands when I was little. But, when we hold hands now, it's like we always have. I look down at his hand on the table, the colors, his rough skin, what age has done to the lines in his hands, the weight of them, the feel of his hand holding mine, the strength, the love in each squeeze. These are my fathers hands. They are beautiful, they have given me everything and I want to hold them forever.

F you cancer and your evil ways.

Oh my gosh Dad....I love you so much.

"Hey you! So you want to learn about Chemotherapy?"

Chemotherapy, most simply, is the treatment of an ailment by chemicals.

There are PAGES and PAGES of information my Dad has received. I have even heard that they don’t give you all of the info at first because there is SOOO much to learn.
My mom has 2 bags of medicine. One bag has what he has to take everyday. There are about 7 bottles of pills in this bag. The other bag has side effect management pills the, “if the scary chemo side effects happen, take these for help.” Pills. Those bottles are labeled by number and you have to take them in a certain order for them to work. It’s maddening. My mom is a superstar and has this completely under control. We basically have a desk in out living room, with all of the information. We have multiple three-ring binders, one for meds, one for DR’s notes, one for more information and reading materials.

I have learned that Chemotherapy really is a necessary evil. All the pain that it may inflict is happening to extend the life of my Dad.

Chemotherapy is designed to kill cancer cells. My Dad’s Chemo is being administered through a vein in his left arm.

It goes in his arm and disperses thorough out his body to destroying cancer cells. Unfortunately, the chemo cannot tell the difference between a cancer cell and some healthy cells. So it eliminates not only the fast-growing cancer cells but also other fast-growing cells in his body, including his hair and blood cells. My Dad has not lost his hair yet….but Jon Axell (love) bought him warm and cozy snow hats from H&M. He looks wonderful in them. I also have a plethora of wigs in my possession. Which, we will be wearing for comedic effect.

(Side note, My mom and I put up the Christmas tree the other night wearing wigs. Hilarious.)

Some cancer cells grow slowly while others grow rapidly. As a result, different types of chemotherapy drugs target the growth patterns of specific types of cancer cells. Each drug has a different way of working and is effective at a specific time in the life cycle of the cell it targets. My Dad had to skip a chemo treatment recently which is not great. He can’t miss anymore. He was too dehydrated and weak. The chemo they gave him was very aggressive. I know he thought “the side effects wont happen to me”. When they hit strong he was surprised. That is now what I am here for. To help him through it.

The most typical chemo side effects are low white blood cells, low red blood cells and low platelet counts. Also,  hair loss, vomiting and fatigue.

DIAGRAMS!!!

 

All of these symptoms can be treated. Really, from what I have read, in the last few years, they almost have a medicine to help with every side effect. Chemo is becoming more “tolorable”. I hate saying that, because even at it's most tolerable it is still horrific. But, you have to know it is a fight. It will get worse before it gets better.

There is so much more I could talk about. Honestly the information is endless. All I want is my Dad not to hurt. But that is not an option. Positive vibes Daddio!!!! POSITIVE VIBES!!!!

I hate you cancer. You are so ugly and no one likes you!!! GO AWAY CANCER!!! F YOUR FACE. I got you a present.....

Love you so much Dad! You are strong and wonderful and the most amazing man I have ever met.

I love you Daddio!

Christmas Jams

So...I know it's a long shot!!! But as I said before I am trying to win $1000 on the radio. If I win said money, I am going to buy my dad a fancy couch with a reclining chair attached so we can sit by him and he is not alone is his recliner. I want my mom to be able to sleep next to him...and I want to snuggle.  I haven't won yet today....it was stupid Jill from Federal Way. ( if she needs the money and it will make her Christmas magical...then I guess I am less upset with Jill form Federal Way.)

I just google imaged "Jill from Federal Way" and this is what I got.....

Sweet lord I hope that is her....I also got a picture of a bear. Priceless.

I found out today that everyone on my team at work signed up for the same contest....and if they win they are going to give my prize money to my Daddio. Guh....................hold on................I'm tearing up again..........................................................................................................................................................................

AND I'm back.

(I have been crying over the smallest things lately. There is no surprise why this is....but I am a crying time bomb.)

There is very little chance that we will win this contest. I do have hope because I think it would be so wonderful to get my Dad that gift. But, the gesture of my co-workers is what really gets me. Their ability to believe. I love them.

Cancer I hate your ugly f*cking ways!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!

Oh Dad....I love you so much! I wish I could give you the world.

Hello December

My Dad and I drove across the country together a few years ago around this time. We packed all my stuff up into a small Chevy Cavalier named JESUS. (It had a jesus fish on the back when we bought it and I was going to take it off.  My mom looked at me and said, "If you crash....you will know why." WHAT!!! Oh Mom, so I never took it off....and I never crashed the Cavalier.)

My Dad and I slept at rest stops as much as we could and stayed in hotels a few times. I made a documentary of the whole thing. During the trip, all I wanted was one of those airplane neck pillows because the passengers side seat did not recline. So, while sitting up I wanted to figure out the perfect way to nap. We stopped at every Walmart and little store all the way home and NO STORE had one!!!

We got home a week or so before Christmas. It was really nice to be home. My mom told me the story later, but I guess my parents went out shopping and my Dad found a neck pillow. He was so excited he even wrapped it himself. (he never ever wraps our presents) He handed it to me right when it was time to open gifts. So child like, he was full of excitement.

I opened it and LOVED it. I still sleep with it sometimes. I also love that he gave it to me after the road trip. There were no flights or road trips in my near future. But, it was very important that I had it. I love that about my Dad. He goes out of his way....it a quiet stern way to make sure his kids are alright. Even when he can't afford something....he always checks to make sure he can't. I know he would give me the world. Little does he know, he already has. That neck pillow means the world to me.

 

F your face cancer.

Love you Dad.

Chemo---

I wrote this throughout the day---Things can change so fast----

My Dad is at his 2nd round of chemo right now. He is putting on such a strong face. My parents are being so brave. I have the constant horror of thinking of my Dad in past tense. I hate hate hate those thoughts. But I play out situations in my head all the time. Talking about my dad past tense is the very LAST thing I ever want to do.

I just off the phone with my Mom. My dad is actually not having chemo today. He has an extremely sore throat and his mouth and throat are full of sores. (I guess this can be a side effect from the chemo.) Because of his sore throat he has not been able to drink much water, so he is extremely dehydrated. They are hydrating him now and they will decided later today when the next chemo treatment will be.

My Dad just called!!! I love chatting with him on he phone. He sounds really tired and he is headed home right now. My mom is driving and he is resting. He did not have chemo, but they pumped him with fluids. They also changed his bandages and took his blood etc. I'm scared to call my mom and find out what the DR said.

I signed up today to win $1000 on 95.7!!! Every day at 9am, noon and 3 they are giving away $1000 for Christmas presents. I thought to myself, I am at my desk anyway and I have a fancy smart phone, why not listen!
When I win I will be buying my Dad a lazy boy recliner. He has an old one that he sleeps in. He can't sleep completely laying down because of the tubes that are going into his kidneys. I would like to get them a couch that is also a recliner so that we can lay down next to my dad and snuggle.

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

Yep....snuggle time.

All right, not that I have show you multiple couches Have a beautiful day.

FU*K you CANCER!!!!!

Love you so much Daddio!!! SO SO MUCH!

Real Life

All I want to do right now is stay home with my family, play cards, take care of my Dad and help out. It pains me to leave my mom with EVERYTHING! Cancer is so needy and just a f*cking asshole. I hate that my Dad has to deal with this. There is so much to take care of and it is so stressful, I want to give my Momma some relief.  Balancing this and "real life", working, bills, bills, bills, theater etc is not fun. Every moment I am not with my dad or helping my family I feel extremely guilty. I only want to be helping my family right now, that should be my job. But, my Dad said on Thanksgiving, "I have to keep living and going to work, I'll be just fine Scooter butt!" (I am called Scooter Butt because for some reason as a child I would only go to my Dad when he called by scooting on the floor on my bum, even when I could walk. He would tell me to "come here" and I would sit down and scoot. Don't worry....it's not that way anymore....)

I LOVE GOOGLE. Google image is one of my favorite things. I like putting in an emotion or writing a sentence and seeing the pictures that come up. Let's play.....

Cancer you are an asshole and I hate you.

Those 2 pictures are perfection.....ok, let's do more......um......

Hey Scooter!!! (I decided against writing the word "butt" into Google image. I don't want to know what it would show me, But my Dad also calls me Scooter, so this works.)

yesssssssssssssssssssss.....this game is the best. One more for now.....

I LOVE YOU DADDIO!!!

Cancer I hate you so much.


Daddio....I LOVE you with all of my heart. All of it.