Chemo---

I wrote this throughout the day---Things can change so fast----

My Dad is at his 2nd round of chemo right now. He is putting on such a strong face. My parents are being so brave. I have the constant horror of thinking of my Dad in past tense. I hate hate hate those thoughts. But I play out situations in my head all the time. Talking about my dad past tense is the very LAST thing I ever want to do.

I just off the phone with my Mom. My dad is actually not having chemo today. He has an extremely sore throat and his mouth and throat are full of sores. (I guess this can be a side effect from the chemo.) Because of his sore throat he has not been able to drink much water, so he is extremely dehydrated. They are hydrating him now and they will decided later today when the next chemo treatment will be.

My Dad just called!!! I love chatting with him on he phone. He sounds really tired and he is headed home right now. My mom is driving and he is resting. He did not have chemo, but they pumped him with fluids. They also changed his bandages and took his blood etc. I'm scared to call my mom and find out what the DR said.

I signed up today to win $1000 on 95.7!!! Every day at 9am, noon and 3 they are giving away $1000 for Christmas presents. I thought to myself, I am at my desk anyway and I have a fancy smart phone, why not listen!
When I win I will be buying my Dad a lazy boy recliner. He has an old one that he sleeps in. He can't sleep completely laying down because of the tubes that are going into his kidneys. I would like to get them a couch that is also a recliner so that we can lay down next to my dad and snuggle.

BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!

Yep....snuggle time.

All right, not that I have show you multiple couches Have a beautiful day.

FU*K you CANCER!!!!!

Love you so much Daddio!!! SO SO MUCH!

Real Life

All I want to do right now is stay home with my family, play cards, take care of my Dad and help out. It pains me to leave my mom with EVERYTHING! Cancer is so needy and just a f*cking asshole. I hate that my Dad has to deal with this. There is so much to take care of and it is so stressful, I want to give my Momma some relief.  Balancing this and "real life", working, bills, bills, bills, theater etc is not fun. Every moment I am not with my dad or helping my family I feel extremely guilty. I only want to be helping my family right now, that should be my job. But, my Dad said on Thanksgiving, "I have to keep living and going to work, I'll be just fine Scooter butt!" (I am called Scooter Butt because for some reason as a child I would only go to my Dad when he called by scooting on the floor on my bum, even when I could walk. He would tell me to "come here" and I would sit down and scoot. Don't worry....it's not that way anymore....)

I LOVE GOOGLE. Google image is one of my favorite things. I like putting in an emotion or writing a sentence and seeing the pictures that come up. Let's play.....

Cancer you are an asshole and I hate you.

Those 2 pictures are perfection.....ok, let's do more......um......

Hey Scooter!!! (I decided against writing the word "butt" into Google image. I don't want to know what it would show me, But my Dad also calls me Scooter, so this works.)

yesssssssssssssssssssss.....this game is the best. One more for now.....

I LOVE YOU DADDIO!!!

Cancer I hate you so much.


Daddio....I LOVE you with all of my heart. All of it.

Pat Coates comedy photo series.

My Dad is such a good sport. He knows how much I love doing silly photo shoots. Here are some fantastic shots. 

Beautiful Brunette.

Possibly the greatest photo ever taken.

Too cool.

burnt sweet potatoes.

Piling stuff on my dad while he sleeps.

Another gem.

Love you Dad. So so much. 

My guilt runneth over.

My Dad feels really sick today. The guilt I feel is almost unbearable. His eyes are black and he looks really skinny and I feel so bad for him. I'm actually almost getting physically sick over it. I think I need to go to the DR too and get anxiety medicine. This is becoming too much.

I read the Urologic Oncology Patient Care Manual today. It is filled with so much important information. It took me a long time to actually be able to read it. I think I didn't want any of the things to happen to my Dad, so I could not get any of the info to stick. So, I took a breath, had a cup of coffee and read every word. Ask me about blood cells, I will soon be an expert.

I have to remember that Chemotherapy is a good thing and that it is helping my dad. I have to get over the idea that chemo is scary. I hate cancer, but I have to like chemo and like the fact that it is helping my dad. Yes....it may make him a tad sick, but it has to get worse before it can get better. Breath Scoates, breath.

I'm a downer today. I'm just shook. But, I have to make sure I stay positive and strong for my Dad. I washed his hair today because he can't shower. The tubes in his kidneys and the bandages can't get wet. I also put lotion on his arms because his his skin is very dry. They are also discolored.  It feels good to write things down so I don't just think about them constantly. My Dad also had a sore throat today and very sensitive gums.  If the pain persists we are going to take him to emergency.

I start a new play on Dec 13th and I am so worried I will not be able to help out as much. I did talk to my Dad and he does not want me to miss this opportunity. It's a great play and I worked hard for it. He is proud. I will just have to make it work.

The change in everyday life is a shock. Our day is spent asking how my Dad feels on a scale from 1-10, managing bottles and bottles of pills, and trying to maintain a bit of normalcy. We went shopping yesterday and my Mom and I think it was a bit too much for my Dad. He said he felt fine, but the fluorescent lights hurt his eyes and we stayed out too long. I love just hanging out with my parents. It's nothing but laughs.

Fuck you cancer, you are the worst. No one likes you....GO AWAY!

But we will remain strong. I will remain strong. My Dad is amazing.

My Dad gave me his sweatshirt and I have been wearing it non stop. My Dad is so cute because he said "Well, Scooter, that looks great on you, You could wear that to work!" hahaha. See the majestic sweatshirt below.

Best.

Love you so much Dad...with all of my heart. 

Thanksgiving naps

Thanksgiving consisted of the usual. My Mom making a FANTASTIC dinner,  drinking lots of wine with Mom, and many many pictures taken. My Mom and I like to do photo shoots on Thanksgiving. I think it's the wine. We like to dress up and wear wigs, and occasionally eat dinner in costume. My dad is a wonderful sport and will don a wig like a champ.

Proof.

My Dad and I also spent the day napping and MYTHBUSTING. We watched the show all day and I listened to my Dad's stories. 

My brothers family surprised us and made it to dinner! For the last 13 years it's just been me, my mom and my Dad. I also decided to use a flip cam and take a bunch of video. Lot's of video of my Dad. I am torn, because I don't want to take video because he is dying. But then again....he is dying and I don't want to miss a second of his life. 

I also don't want to do that thing where you miss out on life because you are using technology. I am walking a fine line, but for now I think I am alright. 

Right now I am getting prizes together for bowling. This should be wonderful.

F your face cancer. I hate you.

Love you so much Dad. I will bowl a Turkey for you!!!!

I had no idea....

So....I don't know about you. But I had no idea cancer looked like cloudy pink sponges. I found myself staring at this picture for a long time. The healthy tissue looks like Freddy Kruegers face. I wish I had a better understanding of medicine. I distinctly remember in kindergarden when they passed out our math books, opening it up and then pushing it aside so I could play pretend and doodle. It was all down hill from there.

Why can't they just go in and take out the pick fluffy stuff. They do it on Grey's Anatomy all the time in 40 min. This is why I hate cancer SO MUCH. It's complicated and sneaky and just a plain old bitch.

This is the same tumor after surgery. They could not get it all but the pink puffy cloud has definitely gone down in mass. I still hate it.

The lack of control I have over this situation is maddening. The cancer has spread, it's even in his ankles. I had no idea you could have cancer in your ankles. What is one supposed to do now? Well, the plan is to hang out with my Dad, hug him, hold his hand, make him laugh, and go bowling after Thanksgiving dinner.

That's as far ahead as I want to go now. I love my Dad so much.

My Dad and I drove across the country together a few years ago. We learned so much about each other on that trip, my dad uses the phrase "hard meats and hard cheeses", hilarious. He learned how I took my coffee, he watched me dance in Walt Disney World parades, he met my best friend in the world, I learned that he does like music!!! (This is odd because ALL of my life he never wanted music on in the car) Turns out he LOVES "King of the Road" by Roger Miller. We listened to it 100's of times on the trip. He also likes Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack. That made the trip wonderful.

On that road trip...All I wanted to do was get home. Right now I could think of nothing better than hoping in that old Chevy Cavalier and hitting the road with my Daddio.

F you cancer.

I love you so much Dad.

Snow Day!

My dad had to go to Everett today to get his bandages changed and they wanted to see how he was doing after the chemo. I dislike Everett. The only reason it was okay for my family to go there is because of the snow. My Mom said she had a few mini breakdowns today. I have had them too. The thoughts that go through your mind when the idea that one of your parents might die, is like no other.

I NEED to stay positive and I need to be there for my family. They need me now more than ever. Now, because it's a snow day I have to watch Netflicks and eat cookies. Scoates out.

I love my Dad so so much.

Good Vibes

I love my Dad. I hate cancer.

This is all so new to me. I am beyond scared, REALLY angry and ready to kick cancer in the asshole. I set up a caringbrindge website for my Dad so people can give support and love, especially family members. I am here blogging to tell cancer, "I hate you and leave my dad alone, no...cancer, I mean it, Ok, that's it....I am going to F YOU UP!!!!"

I don't think it would be appropriate to say F YOU CANCER on the caringbridge site. But, I believe that a well placed swear speaks volumes. Cancer does not get my polite side. 

My Dad started chemo today and I found myself getting annoyed at people I had never met. I knew at the moment I saw them I was transferring anger and hate for this disease to anyone within eye shot.  I am usually the girl on the bus to awkwardly smile at everyone (thank goodness I have my nervous hugging under control. Many job interviews and auditions in my past have started with an uncomfortable hug). Now I have started to scowl at strangers, roll my eyes at happy people and I am about 2 seconds away from hissing at you if you get too close. I'm on the fast track to becoming a crazy homeless lady or a New Yorker. 

I think I am just in shock. What do I do now? I love my Daddio so much. Good vibes your way Dad....all to you. I love you with all of my heart.

F-YOU BLADDER CANCER. F YOU.

I have a few final things to say to cancer tonight. I think I will express them in photo form.

Enough said.