My guilt runneth over.

My Dad feels really sick today. The guilt I feel is almost unbearable. His eyes are black and he looks really skinny and I feel so bad for him. I'm actually almost getting physically sick over it. I think I need to go to the DR too and get anxiety medicine. This is becoming too much.

I read the Urologic Oncology Patient Care Manual today. It is filled with so much important information. It took me a long time to actually be able to read it. I think I didn't want any of the things to happen to my Dad, so I could not get any of the info to stick. So, I took a breath, had a cup of coffee and read every word. Ask me about blood cells, I will soon be an expert.

I have to remember that Chemotherapy is a good thing and that it is helping my dad. I have to get over the idea that chemo is scary. I hate cancer, but I have to like chemo and like the fact that it is helping my dad. Yes....it may make him a tad sick, but it has to get worse before it can get better. Breath Scoates, breath.

I'm a downer today. I'm just shook. But, I have to make sure I stay positive and strong for my Dad. I washed his hair today because he can't shower. The tubes in his kidneys and the bandages can't get wet. I also put lotion on his arms because his his skin is very dry. They are also discolored.  It feels good to write things down so I don't just think about them constantly. My Dad also had a sore throat today and very sensitive gums.  If the pain persists we are going to take him to emergency.

I start a new play on Dec 13th and I am so worried I will not be able to help out as much. I did talk to my Dad and he does not want me to miss this opportunity. It's a great play and I worked hard for it. He is proud. I will just have to make it work.

The change in everyday life is a shock. Our day is spent asking how my Dad feels on a scale from 1-10, managing bottles and bottles of pills, and trying to maintain a bit of normalcy. We went shopping yesterday and my Mom and I think it was a bit too much for my Dad. He said he felt fine, but the fluorescent lights hurt his eyes and we stayed out too long. I love just hanging out with my parents. It's nothing but laughs.

Fuck you cancer, you are the worst. No one likes you....GO AWAY!

But we will remain strong. I will remain strong. My Dad is amazing.

My Dad gave me his sweatshirt and I have been wearing it non stop. My Dad is so cute because he said "Well, Scooter, that looks great on you, You could wear that to work!" hahaha. See the majestic sweatshirt below.

Best.

Love you so much Dad...with all of my heart.