Rough

Things have not been great. I love my Daddio so so much. He almost passed out when we hugged yesterday. He hugged me, and I was talking and then he got really limp and heavy and said he felt very dizzy. I had to hold him up until he was strong enough to walk over to the couch. It was one of the most horrific moments of my life. Nothing funny about that.

One day at a time Scoates. One day at a time.

Fuck you cancer.

End of life care.

End of life care.

I can't stop listening to Hall and Oates.

So I am going though some weird things right now. I laugh at inappropriate things, I cry at weird times and I can't stop listening to Hall and Oates. It's almost unhealthy. I turn on a Hall and Oates song and it's like a took a hit of some drug. It calms my nerves and makes me giggle to myself. I have officially gone crazy from lack of sleep and constant worry.

It could be worse...it really could. I could be doing drugs. But, I have decided to binge on Hall and Oates. Look at these men. Damn it they make me happy. They are strong, sensitive, and passionate.I have a feeling they hate cancer as much as I do.

Pops update---

He has been in the hospital for a week. He has blood clots in his legs, heart and lungs. I have been there every night after tech rehearsal and shows. I just don't want him  to be alone. He is also freakishly bored and that is not okay. One thing that baffles me is that he does not want to meet my 2nd boyfriend.....NETFLICKS. I told my dad that it would change his life and if he really wanted to... we could share him. But, my dad has no interest.

 

Love you Daddio!!!!

F you cancer.......f you so much!!!!

Cancer and medical insurance can be baloney crap. You heard me....baloney crap.

One of the many horrible things that cancer does is spend all of your money. I don't want to get into my parents medical insurance history or financial situation, but it's so frustrating to think how much this is costing and how much the insurance is NOT covering. Quick example. Every chemo is around 9,000. His last surgery was 22,000. Every white blood cell booster shot is 5,000.

My Dad has worked his whole life....and he has worked hard. Now....all of the money that they saved is going to the attempt to save his life. Well, how in the world is he supposed to live afterward? GRRRRRRRRRR.

F you cancer you greedy a hole.

Thank you letting me vent.

Let's change the mood......Let's look at puppies.

Love you Dad, with all of my heart. Love love love.

LAST CHEMO!!! and a cinnamon candy.

YOU HEARD ME!!!!! LAST CHEMO!!! AND A CINNAMON CANDY!!!!!!!!!!!

My Dad had his last chemo yesterday. It may not be the last chemo ever....but we are now on to the next step. Bladder removal.

We are going into the hospital next Tuesday for all day scans and tests. Then a DR. meeting to discuss options. GUUUUUUHHHHH. It f-ing scares me so much!!!!! They really can't say anything bad. I wont accept it and I can't take it.

I have tried to give my Dad and Mom a gift at every chemo. They need to know that they are strong and supported. For his last chemo I have him the hug blanket. He wore it home like a scarf, he looked adorable.

We were sitting outside one of the Dr's offices waiting for the potassium results after chemo, when my Dad had his arm around my shoulder. He reached into his pocket and handed me a cinnamon candy. I thought he wanted me to open it for him. But he said, "No Scooter, have it, I love you." Needless to say that cinnamon candy means the world to me. I have it in my wallet. I had to tape up the package. That candy smells like my Dad. That cinnamon candy is magic to me. 

Cinnamon candy hates cancer and so do I. F you cancer.

Love you papa. I love you with all of my heart!

Hug blanket

This is the beautiful "Hug" blanket I received from an AMAZING and TALENTED friend. Her grandmother knitted it in a knitting group. It's a form of a prayer shawl, meant to go around your shoulders when you need warmth or reassurance. Each knot tied at the end is a prayer, or a wish, or a symbol of hope. It works for whatever you believe in.It enhances the power of positive thought....and that can go along way. I was blown away by this. The thought and care and generosity of this wonderful person. Sometimes I feel like I am alone in this. That I am the only one living this sadness and I have to fake happiness around those I love. This was just another sign that I know the most amazing people in the world. That I am lucky. Thank you Alissa. Thank you so much.





F YOU CANCER!!! YOU ARE MEAN AND NASTY AND I HATE YOU!!!!


I love you Dad so so much. I send you positive energy and peace. Love you.

F YES SANTA!!!! F YOU CANCER!!!! and that one time at Barnes and Noble.

I believed in Santa for far too long. I also to this day, (mind you...I am 27) have not told my mom I don't believe.

Santa is wonderful. I wish I still believed.

I have not written in a while. I feel bad about that. I was just worn out by all the emotions of Christmas. You better bet your bottom dollar I had a magical Christmas!!! But, it was also surrounded by this under lying sadness that did not allow me to live in the moment. I was floating through Christmas. My mind was SCREAMING at me, "ENJOY EVERY MOMENT!!!! THIS IS QUITE POSSIBLY YOUR DAD'S LAST CHRISTMAS!!!!! ENJOY YOURSELF DAMN IT!!!!!" I just wanted to tell myself to SHUT the F UP! This caused me to hit a downward spiral of tears. I was not sad, and Christmas was so magical, I was terrified, beyond terrified. I have never felt like that in my life. I had 3 beers on Christmas day and I did not feel a thing. I think the terror sucked up the alcohol.

I really did cry for at least a day straight. I began to not really care about it. I went to Barnes and Noble and just walked in crying. I felt like I was going crazy. I picked out a new planner, kept crying, tried to find a book I was looking for, continued to cry, and went to the check out.....crying. The women did not say anything. She just rung me up and sent me crying on my way.

 It wasn't like there was a lot of emotion....I was not wailing. I just had constant tears streaming down my face. I wasn't grimacing, my face was calm. It was really weird and I scare myself thinking I went out in public like that. But I needed a planner. I needed to get out for a bit. 

 I'm doing my best.

My Dad loves his bowling shoes. (One of his many Christmas gifts from me.) He said he is excited for next year at Thanksgiving when he gets to try them out. :)

F you cancer and your evil ways.

I love you so much Dad. So so much.