Donut, donut, donut, donuts on a rope.

This is my Poppa during chemo. We thought we saw an alien. He was looking out the window to see if it really was an alien. In the middle of the day :)

They had given him steroids this day and he was SO hyper. It was the best.

He was also teaching me about planes.

He has this need to teach me something every time we see each other.I love it. It's new to our relationship and I accept it with open arms.

This day he taught me about "donuts on a rope". SUPER FAST PLANES

Love you Papa!!! With all of my heart.

F-you cancer. You are lame.

Pictures I like that have nothing to do with stupid cancer.

The fact that Teddy Roosevelt and Ron Swanson are identical. I believe that they may be the same person.

 This dog. I don't need to explain it. This dog is amazing.

I love them both. They make me laugh and giggle with happiness. I feel like this symbolizes many relationships in my life.

This baby is the sweetest baby. I don't know this baby....but I want to chase him and pick him up.



Love you Daddio.

Hey Wilson.

Hey Wilson...do you have a minute?
So...nothing at the moment is how I would like it to be. I have spent so much of my life being able to mold situations into something I can at least handle. Right now, I feel helpless and unequipped for what is about to happen in my life. The death of my father, my dad, my daddio, my poppa.

This inevitable looming horror has effected everything in my life.  My relationships, work, and feeling alive. I fear resenting those I love. Not making the right decisions. Not giving enough, not focusing enough.

Basically Wilson, I am full of worry, let me rephrase that....I am overflowing with fear.

This is not fun.

Good talk Wilson, Good talk.

Love you so much DAD.

Fuck you cancer.....I will punch you.

So....Cancer sucks.

It's been so long since I have updated. I can only blame the stupidness of cancer. 

We just got my Dad's bone scans and CT scans back. No good news. I actually can't physically read them. My brain makes everything blurry. This has been happening to me a lot lately. My Mom, or a DR will talk to me and I then float out of my body and can't hear them. It's like the adults in the Peanuts cartoon. It's also one of the only times in my life I have really recognized my inner dialogue. Talking to myself whilst something else is going on. Very Weird.

 Sentences I have read lately and hate.....

"Findings:
Interval progression of metastatic disease now involving skull with multiple new foci of uptake in skull, sternum, bilateral scapulae and clavicles (new foci of uptake in left scapula), spine, sacrum, bilateral ribs (new focus of uptake noted in right posterior 11th rib), pelvis, bilateral femurs and humeri."

"Impression:
"Interval progression of multifunctional bony  metastatic disease involving axial and appendicular skeleton. Lesions in long bones (femurs and humeri) ma predispose patient to potential pathologic fratures."


F YOU CANCER. You are the worst ever.

Love you so much Dad.

Rough

Things have not been great. I love my Daddio so so much. He almost passed out when we hugged yesterday. He hugged me, and I was talking and then he got really limp and heavy and said he felt very dizzy. I had to hold him up until he was strong enough to walk over to the couch. It was one of the most horrific moments of my life. Nothing funny about that.

One day at a time Scoates. One day at a time.

Fuck you cancer.